Ffej Grubmil

Ffej,

It's been 3 years next Wednesday. I remember this day like no other. The week prior, I had been up visiting you, and you were getting better, and were able to talk more. That week was awesome, at one point I was certain you were going to come home and live with my mom. I decided to leave you, and come home to get ready for your eventual release from the hospital. I realize I was being hopeful, and maybe not realistic, but still thinking everything would turn out just fine.

Jenny had been planning a camping trip with our neighbors, so when I returned we packed up and went up to Big Bear to an area called Green Valley. When we arrived we could see smoke off in the distance, we knew there was a fire near by, but all reports showed it headed in the opposite direction. Other then the thought of the fire changing directions it was an awesome spot. The kids loved it. Saturday September 15th we woke up and went fishing. We could see that the smoke from the fire was closer to us, but didn't think much about it. We started fishing, and no luck. Suddenly Megan caught something, we reeled it in, and it was the smallest bass I'd ever seen on a fishing hook. Megan was so proud. At that point, the fish and game officer announced that the area was getting evacuated, and we needed to leave. So, we packed up, went back into camp, and loaded up our cars.

On the drive home, when I got into cell distance I received 3 messages, I think 2 from Mom, and 1 from you. I could hear you mumble that you loved me, and I should call you. So, when I knew I was in a good area where my call wouldn't get dropped. I called you. I told you about Megan catching that small fish, and you laughed about it. We talked about you getting out of the hospital, and living with us or with Mom. After a few more stories from me, we said goodbye, I told you I loved you, and you said the same. Of course I will never forget how happy I was, and that we could talk.

After getting home, and unpacking, I received a call from your hospital from your doctor, telling me you had passed on, and that you were dead. I was crushed, I kept sobbing and saying "I'm ruined!" I think I know what weeping and whaling and gnashing of teeth means now. I felt abandoned! When I collected myself enough to tell my kids what had happened (they were all worried about me, cause they hadn't seen their dad cry that hard in a long while). I told them that you had died. Connor then said, "now what are you going to do? He was your last brother!" I cried some more, then Connor asked if you were up in heaven with Wayne, I said yes, and then he said, "what if he went so high up into heaven with Wayne, that they bonked their heads, and came back down to earth." I laughed, through my sobs, and when he saw I was smiling a little, he followed up with a pantomime action of walking around like someone with a BONK on their head would. It was funny. At that point, I knew I would always have a little bit of you around, and a little bit of Wayne too. Connor, loves to make people laugh, and if he can't learn to control his potty mouth, he will likely turn out just like us.

I miss you daily, today as I sit in the Philadelphia airport, the song I used as your ring tone came up on my iPod - "I saw an ex-ray of a girl passing gas". I couldn't help thinking about the coming anniversary of your death.

I don't know when I'll stop being sad about your passing. But I know I can laugh at how absurd life is, and the good times we had together. I love and miss you too much, both you and Wayne together.
Love,
Rectum